Monday, March 15, 2004
You Should Know
You should know that none of this is about you; at least not the parts that seem as if they might be negative or judgmental in any way.
To believe you are magnificent. And gradually to discover that you are not magnificent.
Enough labor for one human life.
Confessions of Striving
To get up in the morning and go to work, to be bound to people by the ties of love, friendship or opposition - and all the time knowing it is meanwhile and make-believe. I have a hope that is permanent and real, and strong enough to make me impatient with living. I am to catch now, in a minute - to catch what? A magic formula which contains all the truth about existence. I am to brush my teeth and it is just there; I am to take a shower and practically pronounce it; had I not taken a bus, it would have revealed itself, and so on all day long. Waking up at night, I felt myself working toward it through a thin curtain, but then, in that striving, I would fall asleep.
I do not regard kindly this affliction of mine. I agree with the opinion that I should be here - entirely present, in a given place and moment, attentive to the needs of those who are close to me, and fulfilling expectations. To think that they are meanwhile and that I am practicing make-believe with them is harmful to all, yet, I am unable to renounce the thought that, really, I have no more time for life with them.
The consequences of my actions. Completely unknown, for every one of them enters into a multifaceted relation with circumstances and with the actions of others. An absolutely efficient computer could show me, with correction for accidents, of course, for how else to calculate the direction taken by a billiard ball after it strikes another? Besides, it is permissable to maintain that nothing happens by accident. Be that as it may, standing before a perfectly computerized balance sheet of my life (the last judgment), I must be astonished: Can it be that I am responsible for so much evil done against my will? And here, on the other scale, so much good I did not intend and of which, I was not aware?
- posted by -g @ 9:42 PM | | 0 rocks in pond
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