Wednesday, May 30, 2007
A letter from the past to shine light on the future - with this thought to preface:
Recollection is a discarded garment, which beautiful as it may be, does not fit, for we have outgrown it. Repetition is an imperishable garment, which fits snugly and comfortably, neither too tight nor too loose. Hope is a charming maiden but slips through the fingers, recollection is a beautiful old woman but of no use at the instant, repetition is a beloved wife of whom on never tires. Youth hopes and youth recollects, but it requires courage to will repetition. If you only hope, you are cowardly; if you only recollect, you are voluptuary; if you will repetition, you are mature - the more expressly you know ho to make your purpose clear, the deeper is your maturity.
On to the letter:
So here are three particular questions - questions that I ask myself often:
How it began: The emotion of: guilt, anger, abandonment, alone/lonely, unloved,-worthlessness…-
It wasn’t the kind of thing where I planned ahead of time on my calendar. It would suddenly just happen. I felt like I had no control over how many times a day I would cut. It all began, I suppose, when I fell into depression and lost interest in what I had loved to do. I would stay in my room all afternoon. Most of the time I did not even eat at the table I took my food and ate in my room. As time went by, I felt more alone than ever. I felt abandoned and left behind. Not having things to occupy my time, (note: when I did I was never stressed out. It was fun. So it wasn’t like I was overworking myself.), made me think of my pass. Something I had tried to overlook during elementary. How I envied, and still do, people who would talk with admiration of their father. I could never do that. I suppose, it was the guilt thinking,“ I made them argue! I was the reason why my mother was ever abused by my father! IT WAS ALL MY FALUT!” guilt- Probably the main reason why anyone cuts…THEN later, I would cut when more disputes arrived in the house, my brothers drinking issue for example, (affects all of us in the family and has hurt us all because we love him…)
How I began to let go:
I never took any counseling, group therapy, etc. However, being in a relationship with someone who has supported me, and made me feel loved, helped me overcome this battle with the knife. Feeling that I am not the person pushed aside, made me let go.. So now its been 11 months without cutting.
3. How I am now:
Every now and then, I think of all that has happened that’s why I had said “I am addicted to tears” Remembering everything brings me down… so I cry. . . late at night. I am still in the process of overcoming everything. I want to feel complete ,COMPLETELY!. I’m putting myself together slowly.. and writing the letter to Graf was part of overcoming depression and cutting. I would never go back! Not after I’ve come so long without the knife. No, I don’t think of cutting anymore- Another step on letting go-…there’s so much ahead, I could never go back never!
- posted by -g @ 11:31 AM | | 0 rocks in pond
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